38 weeks and facing birth fears

Sitting here thinking about the fact that I will be 38 weeks tomorrow and that Brenna could decide to come into the world any time now I began to realize that I have some fears still about my upcoming birth and VBAC. I know a lot more now that I did when I went into my first pregnancy and delivery and that just because something is suggested doesn’t mean that I should have to accept it or that I have the right to request a second opinion or completely fire my attending birth person or nurse. I have learned that there are plenty of natural things to try to change the way I see my birth and the process of my labor contractions are not painful they are waves that I can ride over and overcome knowing there is a time to rest after each one. My hypnobabies has taught me how to relax, medicate, and naturally pain medicate myself just using my mind and my words. This baby and birth are different and will be different and I just have to come to terms with the traumaticness of Naomi’s birth is behind me and has pushed me to learning and becoming the person that I am now. I have changed learned and adapted to know that there is nothing that I cant do or that I cant achieve with all the help support and knowledge that I have gained. I have lots of friends family care providers nurses my doula birth photographer and so many others that support my choices and the birth that I want and believe that I can do it. My husband told me last night that I would bring this baby into the world the way that we had planned and that nothing would ever take that away from me. I can’t wait to go through the process of laboring though it will be hard it is labor so that I can work with my body to do what it was always designed to do and to bring my baby safely calmly and peacefully into the world. I can’t wait to push her out, to catch her in my arms and bring her to my chest, and to hold her and look at the little life that I have grown an nurtured for the last nine months. This birth will be different and completely wonderful and will be nothing like the birth I had with Naomi. I guess the best way to put it is I AM A WOMAN I AM NOT BROKEN I CAN BIRTH MY BABY AND I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. I can’t wait to write my VBAC story and to share with everyone the wonderful pictures and experience that it was. 

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5 weeks to go

 

Things have flown by and progressed pretty much as they should with my pregnancy with Brenna. My pregnancy has been uneventful and healthy despite me being a plus size mom. I love my midwifes and my Ob that is at my birth center and they have helped to continue to support and encourage me. Brenna is growing and getting closer and closer to making her grand appearance! Come September 17th were on baby watch because I can go into labor any time after then and they wont stop it so were just waiting till she is ready to meet us. I am anxiously and excitedly waiting to start our labor journey together and to work towards our VBAC birth. I know that my body was made to birth and that things will go fine. I have found a doula to help support me in labor, a midwifes that believe in my body and me, a birth photographer to capture this important time in our lives, and my husband and family support me in what I have decided for my birth. Hopefully she will come by her due date and we can share her birth story with you all!

23 weeks and growing.

After my appointment last week I have had time to sit down and really process what has happened between October 1 2010 and now. I went into this pregnancy full intending to fight tooth an nail if I had to for the VBAC natural birth I wanted for me and this baby. I knew I would get the natural part of it with going to the birthing center but the VBAC I was unsure of. Up until I talked to Nicole my midwife the first time I didnt know why officially I ended up with a c-section and she told me that I was a perfect candidate for a VBAC and Dr Roque approved it. I finally got to meet Dr. Roque at my last appointment and I wanted to ask her opinion of how successful she really thought I would be to prepare myself for the worst if she really didnt think I could do it. After talking to me for about 10 minutes I asked her How successful she really thought I would be and steeled myself for the worse. She then asked me more about my first labor and was completely floored with all the things that my old OB had done and told me that I should of sued him. She then reassured me with a gigantic smile on her face that I would get my natural VBAC birth and they wouldnt cut me open again unless they had first tried anything and everything else. I sat there when she said that and I felt about 50 different things all at once I was elated, sad, hurt, strengthened, wanted to cry, smile and hug her all at the same time. Its been sinking in more in the week since my appointment that I would get to labor and birth the way I wanted to and that I wouldnt have to fight for what I wanted. I had found a supportive and loving place that believed in me and my body and my ability to birth my baby. I have been building my wonderful support team starting first with my mom, husband, and close family then I added my wonderful Doula and friend Rae to the mix, and now I have added a loving and supportive birth center team and hospital staff that will make this all possible. I look forward to October with hope, joy, and a resolve that I will have the birth I always imagined because I educated myself and sought out people who would support what I wanted. 

Feeling Elated

Had our 22 week check up today and I got to meet Dr. Roque for the first time shes the OBGYN that works with Nicole my midwife at the birth center. I knew that Nicole had told me that my VBAC was approved and I had a good chance at birthing the way I wanted but I wanted to ask the OB that made the call what the chances were for it to be successful. She came into our exam room and right away she made me feel comfortable and made me smile so I felt confident when I asked her how good my chances were. She wanted a few more details on my csection with Naomi and after I told her her response surprised me. She told me I should of sued my old OB and that 12 hrs for a first time labor was not even giving me a chance. My VBAC would happen and that I had a wonderful and great chance to bring Brenna into the world naturally and vaginally. I felt like I could touch the moon when she told me this. Sitting here now I feel like I want to cry I am so happy at the chance to bring my child into the world the way God intended for me to do so, in an environment that will be quite and centered around our family and her coming into the world, and that my wish for a natural drug free birth would be honored. Now more than ever I am looking forward to Brenna’s day of birth with hope, a renewed faith in myself and my body, and knowing that this will be a healing experience for our family!

Nesting

Well the past few weeks since about 15 weeks I have started to nest. Needing to clean reorganize and arrange everything. Drove my husband crazy today till he helped me clean out our hallway so that we could move our dresser and bookcase down so that we could put in the changing table. Were going to clean out our room tomorrow and repaint it with a lighter more cheery color then rearrange it so that we can put Brenna’s bassinet in with us. Now to just go through an sort baby clothes into sizes so that I can get the changing table set up. 20 weeks Tuesday and half way!

Naomi’s Birth story and my reason for my vbac

I have to write this information now after a little over a year of thinking about and dealing with the events leading up to my unnecessary c-section. I went through only 11 hrs of labor with my first child before being told 1 hr after finally getting an epidural that she would not fit and I would have to have a c-section. Coming into the hospital like all moms I was excited and scared b/c I felt that this was it. I wasnt exactly happy the doctor on call was the one OB at my office I really did not like and he had not looked at my birth plan at all. I was admitted and not long after was told braking my water would speed things up so I agreed like most moms would. This diminished  and decreased the effectiveness of my contractions and I felt so gross I didnt want to get up an move like I knew I needed too. My birth plan was not looked at by my nurses or my OB and every time they came in they kept asking me if I wanted pain meds which I did not. Since my contractions messed up with my water brake they put me on pitocin and started internal monitoring which then restricted  me to the bed. I put off pain meds and the epi till about 4am then I agreed when the OB told me it would be about 6 more hrs till Naomi would arrive. Miraculously 1 hr later he came in an told me she wouldnt fit and I would have to have a c-section. I proceeded to cry and was told by nurses and OBs not to cry I would have a happy healthy baby. This only made me cry harder. I was rolled off into the cold sterile operating room and waited for them to let my husband in. They did my stick test I didnt feel it so they proceed to begin the surgery. I felt him cut me and told him so. At first they didnt believe me and told me it was just pressure I know the difference between pressure and feeling a cut. He told my husband he had to leave b/c I had to have general and I didnt even get to tell him I love you or anything before they whisked him out. The next thing I remember is waking up groggy and being asked if  I could grab some masked nurses shoulder. Lying in the recovery room shivering and without my baby all that could run through my mind was that this wasnt what I wanted and I missed some of the first most important moments of my first child’s life. They brought her in so I could see her and hold her first and they had to move my arms so I could hold her. The first couple hrs I was so out of it I couldnt hold her or feed her. I didnt get to hear her first cry or see her come into the world. I couldnt take care of her myself b/c I was confined to the bed and didnt change a diaper till she was 2 days old. All anyone could say is dont worry about you have a healthy happy baby thats all that matters. That does matter but thats not all that matters. I was traumatized through this experience and no one seemed to understand and lots of people still dont. Thats why now even before planning to conceive again I am devouring all the info on VBACS and natural birth that I can. I have even already found a Doula and a natural birthing center to go to so my birth will be different next time and my feelings will be considered too. The first person to understand me and my feelings and tell me it wasnt my fault I wasnt defective or a failure was the Doula I plan to hire and she has helped me to overcome these feelings I have had and fight for the birth I want next time. For all of you who read this I hope that you see some insight into how traumatic births can be and understand how some women who also feel like this why they feel this way. And to those of you who have felt like this or feel like this I hope this shows you that its not your fault and you are a strong capable woman who can give birth the way God intended. Next time I will birth my way unless God deems other wise but till that time if it comes it will be my way. And now that we are expecting our second child October 8th we have our birth team coming together with my Doula and friend Rae Crawford our midwife Nicole. Were delivering at a small hospital in Statesville who specializes in natural birth and were cleared for our VBAC. Hopefully come October I will be sharing our new babies birth story and my healing experience thanks to that birth.