I have to write this information now after a little over a year of thinking about and dealing with the events leading up to my unnecessary c-section. I went through only 11 hrs of labor with my first child before being told 1 hr after finally getting an epidural that she would not fit and I would have to have a c-section. Coming into the hospital like all moms I was excited and scared b/c I felt that this was it. I wasnt exactly happy the doctor on call was the one OB at my office I really did not like and he had not looked at my birth plan at all. I was admitted and not long after was told braking my water would speed things up so I agreed like most moms would. This diminished and decreased the effectiveness of my contractions and I felt so gross I didnt want to get up an move like I knew I needed too. My birth plan was not looked at by my nurses or my OB and every time they came in they kept asking me if I wanted pain meds which I did not. Since my contractions messed up with my water brake they put me on pitocin and started internal monitoring which then restricted me to the bed. I put off pain meds and the epi till about 4am then I agreed when the OB told me it would be about 6 more hrs till Naomi would arrive. Miraculously 1 hr later he came in an told me she wouldnt fit and I would have to have a c-section. I proceeded to cry and was told by nurses and OBs not to cry I would have a happy healthy baby. This only made me cry harder. I was rolled off into the cold sterile operating room and waited for them to let my husband in. They did my stick test I didnt feel it so they proceed to begin the surgery. I felt him cut me and told him so. At first they didnt believe me and told me it was just pressure I know the difference between pressure and feeling a cut. He told my husband he had to leave b/c I had to have general and I didnt even get to tell him I love you or anything before they whisked him out. The next thing I remember is waking up groggy and being asked if I could grab some masked nurses shoulder. Lying in the recovery room shivering and without my baby all that could run through my mind was that this wasnt what I wanted and I missed some of the first most important moments of my first child’s life. They brought her in so I could see her and hold her first and they had to move my arms so I could hold her. The first couple hrs I was so out of it I couldnt hold her or feed her. I didnt get to hear her first cry or see her come into the world. I couldnt take care of her myself b/c I was confined to the bed and didnt change a diaper till she was 2 days old. All anyone could say is dont worry about you have a healthy happy baby thats all that matters. That does matter but thats not all that matters. I was traumatized through this experience and no one seemed to understand and lots of people still dont. Thats why now even before planning to conceive again I am devouring all the info on VBACS and natural birth that I can. I have even already found a Doula and a natural birthing center to go to so my birth will be different next time and my feelings will be considered too. The first person to understand me and my feelings and tell me it wasnt my fault I wasnt defective or a failure was the Doula I plan to hire and she has helped me to overcome these feelings I have had and fight for the birth I want next time. For all of you who read this I hope that you see some insight into how traumatic births can be and understand how some women who also feel like this why they feel this way. And to those of you who have felt like this or feel like this I hope this shows you that its not your fault and you are a strong capable woman who can give birth the way God intended. Next time I will birth my way unless God deems other wise but till that time if it comes it will be my way. And now that we are expecting our second child October 8th we have our birth team coming together with my Doula and friend Rae Crawford our midwife Nicole. Were delivering at a small hospital in Statesville who specializes in natural birth and were cleared for our VBAC. Hopefully come October I will be sharing our new babies birth story and my healing experience thanks to that birth.